Family or Foe
Recently, I came to the realization that my brother and I have been
having the same argument our entire lives. I dislike my parents, and he
dislikes me cause of it. Or at least it began that way. I think being
honest to him at such an early age made him see me as a threat. To
this day, he has an irrational fear of me; it took me far too long to understand it. I didn't think he would see me as a psychological threat at such an early age for expressing my feelings.
My mom is easy to figure out. Though I still tried to reason with her. I couldn't emotionally accept that she had no maternal instincts. After all of the physical and emotion pain she gave me, she also included a mental disorder for free. But after all of these years she has expressed no regret other than having no relationship with her kids isn't good for her image or ego.
My dad who was a bit more civilized, was never easy to understand. I thought his mood swings were normal, but I grew suspicious he was bipolar; recently that was confirmed. But the real issue I had with him was trying to communicate with him. He is angered by personal questions. And when talking to him about most things, he responds with metaphors or uncertainty. And the metaphors he uses often don't make sense. I feel at times I'm getting cliches and rehearsed speech as a substitute for an actual conversation. He's intelligent, but he acts as though he's afraid of clear language and certainty unless he feels that he's been wronged or inconvenienced. I would have though time would have resolved the problems I have with him, but things like to keep on doing what they're already doing.
It took me years to realize I had a mental problem and to do anything about it. Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I realize my instincts were correct. I told myself they didn't care, which made me stop asking why I had them for parents or why they could be so unjust. And now I realize it wasn't just because they were mean, but because they too had mental issues. I feel angry they didn't try to resolve them, but people have their priorities.
Part of me feels like I should talk to my dad since I'm moving near him. But what do I say ? We have nothing but a past filled with his inequity, and I'm still sure that communication with him will be the mind fuck it always was. I guess I'm slightly intrigued to see how transparent he really is now that I've overcome my own battle to know myself. I could finally see my dad for who he is, not by exposing him, but by simply observing him. It could be a good idea, or it could be a sad experience realizing that the only dad I have will always be a source of frustration.
They say family is family. But then again they say a lot of things. I don't think it's a grudge I'm holding, but a realistic understanding that to have a relationship you need to be able to relate. And if you love yourself, you expect others to treat you with respect, regardless if they share the same genes.
Life isn't fair, that's the one lesson they taught me well.
My mom is easy to figure out. Though I still tried to reason with her. I couldn't emotionally accept that she had no maternal instincts. After all of the physical and emotion pain she gave me, she also included a mental disorder for free. But after all of these years she has expressed no regret other than having no relationship with her kids isn't good for her image or ego.
My dad who was a bit more civilized, was never easy to understand. I thought his mood swings were normal, but I grew suspicious he was bipolar; recently that was confirmed. But the real issue I had with him was trying to communicate with him. He is angered by personal questions. And when talking to him about most things, he responds with metaphors or uncertainty. And the metaphors he uses often don't make sense. I feel at times I'm getting cliches and rehearsed speech as a substitute for an actual conversation. He's intelligent, but he acts as though he's afraid of clear language and certainty unless he feels that he's been wronged or inconvenienced. I would have though time would have resolved the problems I have with him, but things like to keep on doing what they're already doing.
It took me years to realize I had a mental problem and to do anything about it. Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I realize my instincts were correct. I told myself they didn't care, which made me stop asking why I had them for parents or why they could be so unjust. And now I realize it wasn't just because they were mean, but because they too had mental issues. I feel angry they didn't try to resolve them, but people have their priorities.
Part of me feels like I should talk to my dad since I'm moving near him. But what do I say ? We have nothing but a past filled with his inequity, and I'm still sure that communication with him will be the mind fuck it always was. I guess I'm slightly intrigued to see how transparent he really is now that I've overcome my own battle to know myself. I could finally see my dad for who he is, not by exposing him, but by simply observing him. It could be a good idea, or it could be a sad experience realizing that the only dad I have will always be a source of frustration.
They say family is family. But then again they say a lot of things. I don't think it's a grudge I'm holding, but a realistic understanding that to have a relationship you need to be able to relate. And if you love yourself, you expect others to treat you with respect, regardless if they share the same genes.
Life isn't fair, that's the one lesson they taught me well.
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